Biggest Motivation

Now, it is 2.00AM. Yes. I am still awake.

Based on the title, I pretty sure you know what I’m going to talk about.
Night Strikes... Pufftttt.....

Everyone needs motivation in order to move on and move further in life.

What it matters is who is/are the one who motivates you.

For me, my family is my biggest motivator.

When I was a kid, I did pretty damn bad in my academic.

While others kids are like smarter than me. I feel like a potato.

They did well in everything. I feel like I always the last one.

I hate this freaking feeling.

Probably I want to be the top or top than any others, this is part of me.

I hate being a loser because I was before.

My parents always there to tell me you've got to move on.

If you don’t like it, you can change it. As long as it is good, you have to do it.

I don’t blame anyone.

The problem is on me.

Whether I need to change this fact or I want to stay on where I am.

Well, I choose to change who I am.

Nobody is perfect.

Although I got improvement in so far what I've got, I feel happy.

When entering secondary school,

I change from a completely Chinese society to a completely Malay-English Secondary School.

When I first step to the school, I was alone.

All my friends were studying elsewhere. Me, being the loner, I feel somehow sad.

I feel lonely.

Everyone surrounds me speaks either Malays or English.

They do speak Chinese whenever with Chinese, still it is very new to me.




Flash back to one of the idiot thing happened in high school.
It was when we first face Additional Mathematics.
Trust me, I hate Add Maths back then.
I have my own reason. Why?

I remembered when I don’t know a question; I decide to ask the teacher.

Well, I don’t always find a teacher for help. I just like to discover it myself unless I really don’t know how to do or solve that.

When I decide to ask my teacher, I get pissed.

As FYI, I hate being entitles with stupid.

It’s fucking sucks to hear it and I get annoyed with that title.

It just ruins my mood for the day or the entire week.

I will forever hate you. Like forever.

He said why you so stupid that you don’t know how to do this simple question. Duh!

If I know how to solve that, what for I find you? Like dafaq.

Since then, I hate Add Math. Screw it!

I scored bad. Shit. Regretted shit.

After I entered college, I met a very good teacher.

He helps me a lot and by then I find my interest in Maths. 

Sounds miracle. huh!

He did help me a lot. 

I miss that teacher. 

He's a very responsible teacher not like the idiot before. That's a fact.

Still, my parents always there whenever I need them.

I have them to talk with and share something I've been went through.

They always there no matter how busy are they.

Started then, I became more independent in different ways.

I don’t want to follow friends. Where they go, I go. Fuck that!

I hate it when someone say I follow my friends to study here to whatever shit it is.

Don’t you have your own mind to decide what you want instead of following?

I started to adapt. I meet new friends and blah blah blah…

I tell myself I got to be independent in many ways.

I can’t always rely on somebody.

The point is that,

Whenever I need someone to talk with or share with,

My family always there for me.

They tell and guide me what to do in order to solve that shit.

Well, I can say nothing better than talking with family.

Sometimes we do argue about some small things.

I truly believe that, argue makes our bonding stronger.

If a family live without communication, how do they even know what they feel towards each other? Am I right?

My family always my great motivator to me.

Whenever I feel like giving up something, probably I feel so sick about it or I’m too tired about it,

I always think back what they said and taught me.

They pay for my school fees and tuition fees and whatsoever fees,

They earn the money and they don’t even spend much on themselves, but us.

They work to give us better life and better education.

Hence, I study pretty damn hard to have a good results but I am still half way.

Sometimes I feel like I am so damn idiot to not get a good result while the others just like blink and got it just like that.

Well, problems probably come from me.

Am I not hardworking enough?

Do I?  I always question myself.

I always do feel unsatisfied about myself in many ways.

I just don’t feel satisfied.

My parents always say I’m a tough girl. Tougher than anyone else in the family. 

Probably I’m the only girl among my siblings. So, i do my own things on my own. I don’t have a sister there to guide me or what; I’m just the only girl, aside from mum of course.

Well, I know what I want for and what I’m fighting for.

I have my own dream and my targets to achieve.

Sometimes plans just don’t go whatever you want, you need to fight for it or you need to work your ass out to achieve it.

It’s all depends on how eager you want to achieve certain things.

Everyone has different dreams and different ways to achieve.

I do feel giving up sometimes in study.

Certain level, I lose myself too.

I don’t know why I’m here doing these things and what for I work so hard for it.

Mental problem huh? Nope. Too tired I guess. Haha! The nerves connect incorrectly perhaps.

Nah, I’m just kidding.

What I do to solve this problem is that I always think back.

I think back what my parents taught me and the ways I've been went through.

Without them, I can’t be who I am now.

Well, they are my supporters in many ways.

I love them much. I miss them so much.

Whenever I say I don't, eventually, I do. I just always denied it. I don't like to show it out. Duh!

After that, I continue what I need to be continued.

Life isn't easy. Nothing in this world is easy.

If they say is easy, what I say is BULLSHIT.

I’m just so bad and mean sometimes. Haha!

Study away from home,

When at KL, my mum still can drive to Kl, now, probably can’t.

It is way too far away and it takes 5 hours to reach.

Yet, I can’t always back home.

Flight tickets sucks. So damn expensive shit.

I rather save the flight tickets to pay for my study fees.

I do wanna go back, but consideration is important.

Yeap. I love to go back when there’s important event. Haha!

I have 2 good brothers who care me more than anyone else.

They do love this sister. Haha!

I am always the smallest one in front of them even in front of my youngest brother.

He is just my big brother.

I want scrambled eggs from him. I miss that damn fucking much.

We have good bonding since small.

Somehow, they spoiled me. Haha!

Good to have brothers like them.

Thank you for supporting no matter what.

I try to be a good and perfect girl in many ways.

I am trying to be. On the way. Haha!

I won’t let you all down.

I want you all to be proud of me.

Yes. I do.

                Good Luck,